I love my fans, but also dread meeting them - life as an autistic elite footballer

I love my fans, but also dread meeting them - life as an autistic elite footballer

Goalkeeper Safia Middleton-Patel is part of the Wales squad for Euro 2025. She is sparky, thoughtful, and has an infectious laugh. She is also autistic.

Overstimulation has sent her to bed, exhausted, for a week. A misunderstood social interaction can ruin her mood for months. She will drive miles past a petrol station to find one with a self-pay pump. And, unconnected to her being autistic, she is of the opinion that tomatoes are vegetables, whatever the scientists say. Of which more later.

But first and foremost, the 20-year-old Manchester United goalkeeper is a hugely promising footballer - being named player of the match after a string of fine saves helped Wales earn a 1-1 draw in Sweden in April.

That was in the Nations League - and now she is heading to Switzerland for Julys European Championship, with Wales drawn in Group D alongside England, France and the Netherlands after qualifying for a major tournament for the first time.

As goalkeeper for the lowest-ranked side in the tournament she can expect to find herself in the thick of the action if selected - in which case Middleton-Patel will turn to her trusted, and possibly unique, method of reading the game.

"I kind of visualise the next pass as like the perfect Lego brick Im missing in my set," she explains.

"Im searching for it and Im getting in the right positions to find it.

"People probably dont think about Lego when theyre playing football, but Im looking for that brick to be ready. If it [the move] changes, you can always use a different colour one - it can always be a different pass."

Among the many aspects of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) - which can include difficulties with social interaction, sensory issues, and the need for routine and structure - hyperfocus is the characteristic many neurodivergent sportspeople single out as playing a large role in their careers.

"When Im playing, thats when Im hyperfocused," says Middleton-Patel. "When I am on the training ground or playing a game I dont hear anything - its just the ball and myself.

"I probably hear my own heartbeat more than anything else."

That laser-like focus, and the quietening of the mind, is a welcome change for Middleton-Patel, who admits she can find occasions most people would find normal to be overwhelming - both when she is around the game, or in life in general.

"If Im sat on a bench or Im sat in the crowd, or Im watching football on the TV - oof. I hear all the fans, I hear all the cheers, I hear all the clapping," she says.

"If someone is sat next to me drinking, Im like: Why are you drinking so loud? Can you stop?" she adds with a smile, aware of the humour in the situation.

"Sometimes I will sit on the bench and Ill have my hands over my ears and I get dirty looks from the fans because they are like, are you a child?

"No, Im trying to focus."

When Manchester United put out clackers for fans at an FA Cup game, she found the noise the crowd made unbearable, leading to her stimming, external - finger drumming is a big one for her - to try to prevent herself becoming overwhelmed.

"It got to the end of the game and I am sat, hands on my ears, rocking, because I couldnt regulate any of my emotions and by the end of it I needed to take time for myself," she says.

"I love the fans and I want to speak to the fans, but I need to get inside and thats where its hard because youll get some messages online being like, my daughter was there for you and you didnt say hi.

"Im really sorry, but my mental health is my priority and if I need to go inside and just sit in a quiet room for two minutes, Im going to have to. Otherwise the rest of the week will be sabotaged because of that."

The key, she says, is finding a balance.

"I love my fans, but I also dread meeting them because of the front I fear I have to put on, because if I give them one weird look or one dirty look when my face is so straight and its unintentional, they take it the wrong way," she adds.

"[You want to say] Im really sorry, but theres too many thoughts going on. I wasnt looking and staring at you blankly and not being excited because youre wasting my time. I really want to meet you, but Im also very nervous for this interaction."

And while she firmly believes people should not be ashamed of openly stimming, it can still make her feel self-conscious when people notice, only increasing her discomfort.

"Sometimes when Im sat in the stadium and Im rocking and the fans are there [and one might be looking at you], it makes you so self-conscious because Im like straighten up on the chair, breathe in properly, am I looking in the right place? OK, do I look the part?

"Its like, why do I have to do this? Why do I make myself feel like I have to put on this massive performance?"

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Safia Middleton-Patel talks about autism with BBC Radio 5 Live

These issues with social interaction have affected her relationships with coaches at previous clubs.

"Its actually something that got myself in a lot of trouble," she explains.

"When youre having catch-ups with the coaches and sitting there and Im not looking them in the eye and Im looking at the chair next to me and they go, what are you looking at? Are you looking there? Look at me.

"Im more focused when Im staring at something that doesnt move and doesnt have any feelings because you dont have the, you know, what are they thinking? in your head.

"People go thats rude. But Im trying to put more focus in and Im trying to actually be better."

Middleton-Patel says she always felt different and had her first experience of "totally shutting down" as a result of becoming overwhelmed while in year nine at school, before being diagnosed as autistic at 18.

Things came to a head in February 2023. She made her Championship debut - while on loan at Coventry - and her first appearance for Wales followed three days later.

"I had about a week of media after, and then I hit a brick wall," she says. "I couldnt do anything. I couldnt speak to my mum. I was in bed for the majority of the day - I couldnt eat, I didnt want to do anything, and thats when I was like, you need to seek help."

When Middleton-Patel becomes overwhelmed the experience is both mental and physical, "like someone has just put a weighted blanket on me but not in a nice way - its like I get trapped and I cant leave it".

She adds: "Then Im tired. Constantly. My emotions are just through the roof. I cant control my temperature regulation - I get too hot or Im too cold.

"I cant get my words out, I have so many thoughts. And when someone goes you OK? and I dont know and they go come on, you know how you feel, I cant describe it - I cannot pluck a thought out of my head and I think thats a hard thing that people dont understand."

Middleton-Patel feels "very fortunate" she was diagnosed with the help of Manchester United, and she says the club continue to be a major support.

"They are very, very understanding. And if they dont understand, they will always pull me for a chat. They wont ever have a go and be like, why Ive said this, why Ive said it like that. They want to understand me more than anyone else," she says.

By speaking openly about her neurodivergence, she hopes individuals and organisations will have a greater understanding about what it is like to be autistic - that some people are not deliberately being difficult, its just that their perception of the world is so different.

"People always go you dont look autistic. But since when has autism had a look?" she says.

"This is me, this is how my brain works, this is how I am going to be.

"I know what its like to be dropped from a club because they say youre too argumentative and youre too difficult and we cant handle you. Im not trying to be difficult."

What others saw as her being difficult was actually her trying to understand in detail what was required.

"And they just thought, well, weve told you, why dont you understand like everyone else? Because Im not everyone else. My brain isnt like everyone elses."

The brains of autistic people are wired differently to those of the majority of people, and while the word spectrum is used to illustrate the different characteristics and impacts among individuals, Middleton-Patel prefers a different way of describing it as she finds that too limiting.

"I love the colour wheel idea and the visualisation because I cant visualise a spectrum as a straight line because Im like, well, where do things go on it? You know, its just one straight line," she says.

"But the colour wheel takes into consideration your whole life, from social interactions to anxiety to your tactile senses.

"So I think for me its easier to visualise on days where Im struggling because in my head Ill go, today socially is through the roof. You can tell people that you know youre struggling that way, whereas if it was put it on a line, Id be like well I dont know.

"People say, whats the pain out of one to 10? Well, I dont know, Ive never been hit by a bus..."

Leah Galton, Rachel Williams and Middleton-Patel form three-quarters of Lego Club. "They just want me to be me," says the latter of her tight-knit group.

Appropriately for a goalkeeper, Middleton-Patel has green fingers, with tomato plants her favourites.

However, she can only eat small cherry tomatoes because she finds the big ones, with their slimy, jelly-like interior, repulsive - something plenty of neurodivergent people will agree with. Once hers are fully grown, she happily gives them away to friends and team-mates.

Asked where she stands on the debate about them being a fruit or a vegetable, she has no doubt, having researched the matter. "Oh!" she says, with the excitement of a true tomato enthusiast.

"I understand either side, but where I put it in my garden, in my little home allotment, its with the veg. I think its a veg, but scientists might say otherwise."

One aspect of neurodivergency that is still not fully appreciated is the breadth and depth of sensory issues that can be a part of it.

Middleton-Patel struggles with sunlight - she is not alone in finding grey skies are, somehow, even brighter and more painful than clear blue, sunny ones - to the extent she often has to wear sunglasses in the gym because the windows are so big.

And then theres cutlery - specifically the size of normal forks, which to her make it look as though people are eating with a garden spade.

"I have my own set of forks in our lunch room," she says. "They are officially kids cutlery - thats what I use. I use them at home too. I have tactile issues and weight issues - the look of a, if you want to say normal, fork makes me really angry. I cant explain the feeling but I want to throw it out of the window."

While she stresses how supportive both her team-mates and the club are, there is one tight-knit band she is particularly close to - her fellow Lego Club members Jess Simpson, Leah Galton and Rachel Williams.

"We all bounce off each other, but they also know when I just need a hand on the leg to be like: Calm down. You can breathe. Youre fine. Youre safe here," she says.

"I dont know how they do it, but when I cant get my words out, they know what Im trying to say. Theyll speak on my behalf and I think that is massive for me because sometimes Ill be sat in a meeting and I will go mute.

"People are looking at me and Ill stare at the floor, and theyll be there: Shes trying to say this. Weve just discussed it, blah, blah, blah, blah. And theyre just perfect. They understand me. They dont want me to fake anything, they just want me to be me. As simple as that."

If only life itself were that simple, for activities many people undertake with barely a second thought - shopping for example - can lead to her taking fairly unusual measures.

Buying clothes is difficult enough already, because her issues with texture make it difficult to find items she feels comfortable in, but the process itself is also very stressful, and she now does almost all of her shopping online as a result.

"One thing I think people dont consider is the anxiety side," she says.

"When clothes shop assistants come up to me, like can I help you? Er, no. Are you meant to help? Am I meant to say yes? No, Im fine. But then I say it so bluntly theyre like Okaaay… And Im like oh no, I didnt mean it like that.

"One thing that makes me laugh is - and I wish I could overcome this - when I go to get petrol I have to go to a pay at pump station. I will drive an extra 15 minutes just to avoid going into a till one because of the fear of that conversation and not knowing what theyre going to say.

"The only store I can go into is Lego because I know what Im going in for. I can actually make conversation because they love Lego as much as I love Lego, but thats literally the only store."

Lego is derived from the Danish leg godt, which means play well in English. As she heads to the Euros, surely it will not only be Wales fans sending her off with the message leg godt Safia, leg godt.