People looked at me like I was a something, not someone

People looked at me like I was a something, not someone

"I didnt look in a mirror for years - maybe four or five years," former England and Team GB player Heather Fisher says matter-of-factly.

"Looking back, I felt disgusting because people look at you like youre a something, not someone."

She is explaining how she came to terms with losing her hair, the battles she has faced with her identity and the struggle for acceptance from others.

Sitting in her living room, it is impossible to miss a white wall adorned in black handwriting.

Take a closer look, and you see there are hundreds of motivational quotes and personal affirmations.

The words tell a story even before she begins to share hers.

May feel lost. May feel uncomfortable. All part of the transition. They are just a few of them.

Fishers living room wall is full of handwritten messages

Fisher retired as an England player four years ago after a career that spanned more than a decade and also included a cameo in bobsleigh.

She was part of the Red Roses squad that won the Womens World Cup in 2014, and played rugby sevens as well.

She competed at the 2016 Rio Olympics - where Great Britain lost in the bronze medal match - and for England at the 2018 Commonwealth Games on Australias Gold Coast.

But some of her toughest battles happened off the pitch.

In the countdown to the 2010 Rugby World Cup, her hair began to fall out. It is believed to have been triggered by a serious back injury.

Just over a month later, it had all gone and Fisher was diagnosed with alopecia, an auto-immune condition that destroys the hair follicles.

"All my hair fell out in about five weeks. I was holding on to strands of hair," she recalls.

"I went to camp with my team-mates and my coaches actually shaved my hair off."

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Ive had wigs thrown at me

What followed was not just a physical change but a confrontation with her new identity.

"Ive always struggled with my alopecia. Losing my hair and looking and feeling different", the 41-year-old explains. "As a female, I dont ever feel like I fitted in."

Fisher tried to wear wigs but they never felt authentic.

"It felt like I was hiding and I didnt want to hide," she says.

"I felt like I had to be brave and I had to own it. But thats not easy. I was in an England system where I didnt feel like I could be myself."

It was not just internal struggles she faced - it was how others responded to her appearance.

"Ive had wigs thrown at me. Ive been about to go and play and had wigs thrown at me outside of the pitch," Fisher recalls.

"Ive been asked why Im about to go and play on a pitch with females when Im a guy. Quite clearly, Im not a guy. Ive been physically poked out of toilets."

These experiences left deep scars that Fisher is still working through.

"I think when youre an athlete, youre a role model to so many people and youre just supposed to take the hits," she adds.

"But I think on reflection, I dont see why I should be poked out of toilets. I dont see why police are waiting to check what I am. Ive only had the time to reflect on it since retiring and stepping back."

Fisher believes the sporting world has made modest strides in embracing women of all shapes and sizes and those with differences, with rugby seen as one of the most inclusive sports.

Social media platforms, particularly TikTok, have played a significant role in shifting perceptions, allowing athletes to tell their own stories and highlighting the ways they break the mould.

Reflecting on her own career, Fisher notes how different the landscape was even a few years ago.

Social media presence was in its infancy when she was playing. If you worked on your profile, "you were almost seen as not taking the sport seriously," she adds.

But that has changed now.

"If I was playing now for sure, I would definitely share my story on social media. It would turn heads and it would be a real positive way to showcase the game and showcase someone who looks and feels different," she says.

Among the athletes redefining what it means to be a woman in sport is United States superstar Ilona Maher.

She is the most followed rugby player - male or female - in the world, with millions of followers on TikTok and Instagram thanks to content that celebrates her strength and femininity.

"I think with Ilona Maher, its really interesting because shes done such a great job," Fisher says.

"Shes a great advocate for what she puts out there and shes brilliant. But she still looks very feminine."

Fisher played at the Rugby World Cup, the Commonwealth Games and the Olympics

Fisher says, by contrast, she feels she does not look feminine - and that is where the issue lies.

"We can put a woman out there and they might have muscles and they might have a certain way of looking, but they still look feminine," she explains.

"We accept women who are muscular and we understand muscles and women.

"But we dont understand muscles and no hair."

Since retirement, Fisher has forged a career as a motivational speaker, a rugby pundit and a leadership consultant.

She has also appeared on Channel 4s Celebrity SAS Who Dares Wins and the BBCs Go Hard or Go Home.

And given the choice to have a full head of hair again, she would not want to change who she is.

"Id be able to do a hair flick but it would do my head in and it would make me itchy so I wouldnt change it. Its made me who I am today," she says, with pride.

"Its made me really resilient and I really, truly believe that I was born to stand out."